Mom's off her Meds!

I go to Ben & Jerry’s when things aren’t right with me.  It’s happiness for the moment.  I eat the whole pint, easy.

I escape into the bath seeking a comfort that’s only temporary.  It’s where I go to NOT exist for a minuet.  The hotter the better.

I  turn to my journal to make sense of things.  I find words to explain, express, discover or process feelings that manifest through a nasty mood . 

I become a slave to my mattress when daylight is too much to face.  Sleeping is the drug I can’t get enough of.

All these are signs that something is not right at one time or another.  It scares me that all 4 of them are competing for my attention right now.

There is no explanation for it,  I just don’t have the motivation to be ME all day.  The second my foot hits the floor in the morning I’m imagining how i can make all my responsibilities disappear and return to bed.  All day long I’m thinking of the ice cream in the freezer and wondering when I’ll have the chance to steal away in a corner alone and eat it.  I crave alone time in the bath but know I can’t force it or kids will be banging on the door needing me.  Timing is everything.  The same goes for my journal.  The best time to write is when everyone is in bed or gone.  It’s another form of escape but with mostly positive results.

  I need Spring to heal me. Today I sat deflated on a lawn chair begging the vitamin D to recharge me. I’m only functioning at 30% right now.  Winter chews me up and spits me out.  I need to win this battle.  

Depression is no stranger to me.  It rocked my world for a few years.  Ironically, I’ve been depression free and off medication since loosing my twins in 2015.  I live in fear that it will sneak up on me again out of the blue, like it did the last time.  Every time I escape into one of the above habits I wonder if this is it.  Am I on a slippery slope?  Thankfully, the crocodile tears haven’t shown up to my pity parties yet, and I usually bounce back in a day or so. 

Recognizing the signs of my struggles and treating them right away might have a lot to do with prevention.  A night with a Pint of B&J’s and a hot bath go a long way with me.  A nap in the middle of the day does miracles.  And a solid journal session is always enlightening.  Sam knows the signs too and when he see’s that look in my eye he is quick to take over as I disappear for the night.  

I wonder if I didn’t take that “time out“ would a full depression episode ensue?  I’m a true introvert.  I thrive on alone time!! And alone time is NOT something I get in my house!  With 5 kids and an EXTROVERTED husband I am NEVER alone.  I have to escape every once in awhile and it does me good.

I hope I’m on to something here.  Taking a time out here and there is my saving Grace but at the same time they are my red flags.  It’s a delicate dance.

I AM STRONG 

because I know my weaknesses

I AM BEAUTIFUL

because I am aware of my flaws

I AM FEARLESS

because I’ve learned to recognize illusion from reality

I AM WISE

because I have felt hate

AND...

I CAN LAUGH

because I have known sadness. 

~unknown