Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts

Saturday, May 6, 2023

The Pill Box

 




Each morning I start my day at the pill box. 

As far as I can tell, nothing seems to happen when I take my medication, and nothing seems to happen if I forget to take them for a day. 

Bipolar runs thick in the family roots.  It assaults some of us more than others, and all we can do is deal with it the best we can. 

It reared its head in my life in my thirties, and it’s still a juggling act.   

A nine year, happy streak, ended winter of 2021 and I could not get back to normal. 

 

A trip to Target provided an unexpected panacea.


“Mom, come with me to Target.” My eighteen year old invites.

“Nah.” I answer unapologetic. I have no desire to leave the house, and want the day to end so I can go to bed.

“Please come with me.” She begs.  “I don’t want to go alone.”

Every fiber of my being hates the thought of being in public.

“That is the last thing I want to do right now” I say bluntly, feeling irritated with my mood.

“It will be fast, I promise. P-l-e-a-s-e don’t make me go alone.” She pathetically tries again.

I give in, and mope to the car.


 On the way we stop by Twisted Sugar to say hi to a friend and she gives us two speciality drinks, for free.  I’m not a soda drinker but drink it anyway.  Soon we are at Target and the World is right. I feel great!


 “Mom, it’s not right that you need caffeine to be normal.” She observes as I ride a cart down the aisle. “You need help.” 

 

“Caffeine?” I question.  “The drink did this?” I am genuinely surprised. Could it be? Something as simple as caffeine changed the rainy forecast of my life to clear and sunny skies in a matter of minuets?  I know this makes me sound naive. In the soda realm I am. I am not soda drinker.  I don't like the taste of Coke, Pepsi, or Dr.Pepper. I never have. My drink preferences are water (no ice) and if dining out, Rootbeer. 


The rest of the day the caffeine makes me feel like I have reconnected with an old friend.  It is good to be back.  I am motivated to return to this life.  I decide I need medication.


For the next few months I supplement caffeine tablets with bipolar medication as I ease into the right dose.  Migraines appear out of nowhere and I realize the caffeine is sabotaging my progress.  I give it up and painfully wait for the meds to kick in.


On the way to a routine visit with my Psychologist, a year later, I feel I have successfully climbed out of my pit.

I am annoyed I needed to arrange a babysitter to drive to his office, only to tell him everything is fine, and then pay him…for nothing.


“How did the winter go?”  He asks as I plop down on his couch, on a bleak day in March.


“You mean it’s over?” I reflexively turn to the window to observe the skies.


I sailed through winter and hadn’t realized it. This is very unusual for me. 


“I guess that means the medication is working.” He declares while scribbling in his notepad.  

 

“It is a big change from Winters past, right?” He continues, not looking up at me.  


He is right!  I had a fantastic fall and winter. Nothing about it bothered me.  January and February flew by and I have been my productive, happy self. 

It embarrasses me that I haven’t thought to give the medication credit for the improvement, just as I had naively overlooked it with the caffeine.


“I thought I felt 100% normal because I am back to normal.” I admit only to myself. “I just need tweaking to get back on my feet.” I ignorantly justify.


He reminds me feeling normal is our goal so every thing is working.


“Every thing is working?” I criticize him in my thoughts.  “Nothing is working because nothing is wrong.”


Feeling deflated that I cannot take credit for my own happiness, I agree to continue the meds.


“Why do others observe me more accurately than I see myself?” I wonder as I drive home.  “Why does my “normal” exist only through fabrication, and why am I the last one to see it?”


Despite not a cloud in sight, genetics remind me, dark days await if I don’t return to the pill box each morning. Happiness feels like mine, but my reality is, it’s a gift.  

Wednesday, March 20, 2019

Mom's off her Meds!







I go to Ben & Jerry’s when things aren’t right with me.  It’s happiness for the moment.  I eat the whole pint, easy.
I escape into the bath seeking a comfort that’s only temporary.  It’s where I go to NOT exist for a minuet.  The hotter the better.
I  turn to my journal to make sense of things.  I find words to explain, express, discover or process feelings that manifest through a nasty mood . 
I become a slave to my mattress when daylight is too much to face.  Sleeping is the drug I can’t get enough of.

All these are signs that something is not right at one time or another.  It scares me that all 4 of them are competing for my attention right now.
There is no explanation for it,  I just don’t have the motivation to be ME all day.  The second my foot hits the floor in the morning I’m imagining how i can make all my responsibilities disappear and return to bed.  All day long I’m thinking of the ice cream in the freezer and wondering when I’ll have the chance to steal away in a corner alone and eat it.  I crave alone time in the bath but know I can’t force it or kids will be banging on the door needing me.  Timing is everything.  The same goes for my journal.  The best time to write is when everyone is in bed or gone.  It’s another form of escape but with mostly positive results.

  I need Spring to heal me. Today I sat deflated on a lawn chair begging the vitamin D to recharge me. I’m only functioning at 30% right now.  Winter chews me up and spits me out.  I need to win this battle.  

Depression is no stranger to me.  It rocked my world for a few years.  Ironically, I’ve been depression free and off medication since loosing my twins in 2015.  I live in fear that it will sneak up on me again out of the blue, like it did the last time.  Every time I escape into one of the above habits I wonder if this is it.  Am I on a slippery slope?  Thankfully, the crocodile tears haven’t shown up to my pity parties yet, and I usually bounce back in a day or so. 

Recognizing the signs of my struggles and treating them right away might have a lot to do with prevention.  A night with a Pint of B&J’s and a hot bath go a long way with me.  A nap in the middle of the day does miracles.  And a solid journal session is always enlightening.  Sam knows the signs too and when he see’s that look in my eye he is quick to take over as I disappear for the night.  
I wonder if I didn’t take that “time out“ would a full depression episode ensue?  I’m a true introvert.  I thrive on alone time!! And alone time is NOT something I get in my house!  With 5 kids and an EXTROVERTED husband I am NEVER alone.  I have to escape every once in awhile and it does me good.
I hope I’m on to something here.  Taking a time out here and there is my saving Grace but at the same time they are my red flags.  It’s a delicate dance.

I AM STRONG 
because I know my weaknesses
I AM BEAUTIFUL
because I am aware of my flaws
I AM FEARLESS
because I’ve learned to recognize illusion from reality
I AM WISE
because I have felt hate
AND...
I CAN LAUGH
because I have known sadness. 
~unknown

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Insanity


 
in·san·i·ty [in-san-i-tee]
   the condition of being insane;  a derangement of the mind. 


Given my current state of mind, and recent contact with a Physiologist, I think it only fitting that I take on a new workout challenge called INSANITY!
I'm hearing exercise is a great step in improving depression. 
I gave it a try...didn't last long. (humm...imagine that!)  

I pulled a no show for a Triathlon I signed up for (and got 15 other people to sign up for too..sorry!) and apparently left some friends hanging this morning for a bike ride!!  ( Just read the email about meeting outside my house at 7am. oops!) 

I'm pathetic! 

Sam is such a stud right now.  He's almost done with P90X.  He lost a lot of weight and gained a lot of MUSCLES!! (woot woot!)  I watch him manage every calorie that enters his mouth, as I relish in my ice cream addiction.

My drug of choice is ice cream.  I putter around like Eeyore all day and then snuggle up to a pint (never less) of Ben and Jerry's.  I seriously feel so much better after my pint is gone.  It even cured my "I've-been-crying-all-day-head-ache" that tortured me for about 5 hours.
Some people go to alcohol, or drugs, to escape their depression.  i totally get it.  


This one is my favorite.  I eat it right out of the carton!


I'm stuck in the cycle of feeling down so I eat ice cream to feel better for the night then wake up and start counting the hours till I can escape in my ice cream again.  (I'll never break it out mid-day.  I would have to share it! :)  

See, isn't this addictive behavior?  Maybe I should start attending Addictive Recovery Classes!

Thankfully, ice cream isn't as harmful as alcohol or drugs, but I escape to it probably just the same and it is leaving it's mark on my body.

It's been 3 months since my depression set in, and today I took a good look in the mirror.  I literally did...
I went to Kohl's and tried on a few items.  I had no idea my body looks the way it does!  There's something about those changing room lights!
I can tell you right where the ice cream is sitting!! 

I've got to get my life back! 

I did exercise yesterday and today (does learning Hannah Montana's Hoedown Throwdown Dance count??) and I'll admit they were my more productive days. (Productive to a LOW standard...I never got out of my pj's)

Insanity is a 60 day workout which includes a nutrition plan.  That's just what I need.  I'm pretty sure B&J won't be showing up on the menu!  And it takes the work out of Meal ideas!  
I HATE COOKING MEALS!!!
The "normal ME" likes a good workout and can handle a challenge so this might kick my butt, but I'm really hoping that it kicks my butt in gear!

Maybe this will be enough to self-medicate the depression.??
I know it's crazy to do something as extreme as Insanity.  I hear it's HARD.  I'm actually excited to DO something for once!