Monday, January 15, 2024

"Err..." What?!

         




Sometimes, I read scriptures and don't learn a thing.  For years I was “out to lunch” in Sunday School; granted I have been a “hallway listener” for the good part of 20 years.  Sometimes it’s a hit and miss with my personal scripture study and prayers can be like brushing my toddler's teeth; not often enough, and a pain to hold still long enough to get it done. 

        I am married to a man who has scripture passages, quotes, lessons, and sermons memorized! He can, and often does, captivate groups of people in casual scriptural conversation. He will pull out brilliant insights, while I am trying to decode “Bible talk.”  

    For whatever reason, today, my eyes were opened and the Spirit turned the scriptures into reality.  I am a visual learner, so I appreciate this approach. I was down a rabbit hole, clicking hyperlinks, and landed on a word “Err.”(2 Nephi 28:14)  I deduce it means “error,” but I’m curious because the sentence is directed at the “humble followers of Christ.” I like to think of myself as a "humble follower of Christ” (ugh! I guess a “humble” person wouldn’t say they are humble. Anyway…)

I need to know what tripped up the humble people!?  

The Spirit brought it down to my level and showed me how it applies TODAY.


Read it like a newspaper.

Look around! What are people wearing?  What are people doing?  What are they believing?

We have all gone astray.(2 Nephi 28:14)


We have "stiff necks?" 

We are stubborn. We want to live by the principles we want. No one is going to govern us on how we should live or love. (Mormon 8:31)


We have high heads?” 

Who isn’t self absorbed? We want to be seen, famous, viral, and influencers. Who isn’t updating status every day(sometimes multiple times)  or repetitively look at ourselves in mirrors, pictures, videos, and selfies?  Who doesn’t care about how many likes or followers we can get?  Who isn’t obsessed over trendy fashion, or the latest beauty hack? (Mormon 8:36 37)


“Errrrrrr"  This sums up a day in the HobiHome!


“They have all gone astray save but a few because of Pride, Wickedness, Abominations, and Whoredoms.” (2 Nephi 28:14, Mormon 8:36)


Pride?  LGBQ+, Black Lives Matter, Body Dismorphia, etc.(Mormon 8:28, 36)


Wickedness?Murders, Violence, Dishonesty, Secret Combinations, scams etc.(Mormon 8:31, 39-40)


Abominations? Hate toward others, Predjusts, Wars, Cancel Culture, Hate Speech, Riots(Mormon 8:29-31


Whoredoms? Immorality, Affairs, Pornography, Cohabitation, Prostitution, Rapes etc. 


Umm 👀  


 So, who are the few??

 

 In my opinion, the few are Christians. especially the Latter-Day Saints. Dare I say... our youth?

While still down the rabbit hole, clicking hyperlinks, I found a fun little message for the Latter-Day Saints in Alma 5.  (My translation below. For the real thig Go read it)

For anyone who is not a good guy (Christian,) or for anyone who is a good guy but may have some skeletons in your closet…you should be worried. You will regret not changing your actions. (Alma 5:36)

it continues...
(Alma 5:37)

All of us who claim to be LDS and have callings, go to the Temple, served missions, and bare testimony of the Church, are just like the World. We are like sheep. How are we any different from them? How would anyone know we are followers of Christ? We buy the clothes and products, listen to the music, get the surgeries, wear the tattoos, talk the slang, download the Apps, and follow pages/people who tell us how we deserve to liberate ourselves or be whatever we want to be (or identify as.)


1 Now the Spirit speaketh expressly, that in the alatter times some shall bdepart from the faith, giving heed to cseducing spirits, and ddoctrines of devils;
2 Speaking alies in bhypocrisy; having their cconscience seared with a hot iron;

3 aForbidding to bmarry, and commanding to cabstain from dmeats, which God hath ecreated to be received with fthanksgiving of them which believe and know the truth.

I see it... 

“My people (LDS) must be tried in all things, that they may be prepared to receive the glory that I have for them, even the glory of Zion, and he that will not bear chastisement is not worthy of my kingdom.(D&C 136:31)”


“In the coming days, it will not be possible to survive spiritually without the guiding,  directing, comforting, and constant influence of the Holy Ghost. (Russell M. Nelson 2018)”  



Are we really that wicked? Are those scriptures really speaking to us, present day 2024?


My conclusion: 

                                A humble follower of Christ who does not "err" is (most likely) 

             "alone, with Christ."


 Was anyone else served "humble pie" today?
I need help to "see what I can't see"



Saturday, May 6, 2023

The Pill Box

 




Each morning I start my day at the pill box. 

As far as I can tell, nothing seems to happen when I take my medication, and nothing seems to happen if I forget to take them for a day. 

Bipolar runs thick in the family roots.  It assaults some of us more than others, and all we can do is deal with it the best we can. 

It reared its head in my life in my thirties, and it’s still a juggling act.   

A nine year, happy streak, ended winter of 2021 and I could not get back to normal. 

 

A trip to Target provided an unexpected panacea.


“Mom, come with me to Target.” My eighteen year old invites.

“Nah.” I answer unapologetic. I have no desire to leave the house, and want the day to end so I can go to bed.

“Please come with me.” She begs.  “I don’t want to go alone.”

Every fiber of my being hates the thought of being in public.

“That is the last thing I want to do right now” I say bluntly, feeling irritated with my mood.

“It will be fast, I promise. P-l-e-a-s-e don’t make me go alone.” She pathetically tries again.

I give in, and mope to the car.


 On the way we stop by Twisted Sugar to say hi to a friend and she gives us two speciality drinks, for free.  I’m not a soda drinker but drink it anyway.  Soon we are at Target and the World is right. I feel great!


 “Mom, it’s not right that you need caffeine to be normal.” She observes as I ride a cart down the aisle. “You need help.” 

 

“Caffeine?” I question.  “The drink did this?” I am genuinely surprised. Could it be? Something as simple as caffeine changed the rainy forecast of my life to clear and sunny skies in a matter of minuets?  I know this makes me sound naive. In the soda realm I am. I am not soda drinker.  I don't like the taste of Coke, Pepsi, or Dr.Pepper. I never have. My drink preferences are water (no ice) and if dining out, Rootbeer. 


The rest of the day the caffeine makes me feel like I have reconnected with an old friend.  It is good to be back.  I am motivated to return to this life.  I decide I need medication.


For the next few months I supplement caffeine tablets with bipolar medication as I ease into the right dose.  Migraines appear out of nowhere and I realize the caffeine is sabotaging my progress.  I give it up and painfully wait for the meds to kick in.


On the way to a routine visit with my Psychologist, a year later, I feel I have successfully climbed out of my pit.

I am annoyed I needed to arrange a babysitter to drive to his office, only to tell him everything is fine, and then pay him…for nothing.


“How did the winter go?”  He asks as I plop down on his couch, on a bleak day in March.


“You mean it’s over?” I reflexively turn to the window to observe the skies.


I sailed through winter and hadn’t realized it. This is very unusual for me. 


“I guess that means the medication is working.” He declares while scribbling in his notepad.  

 

“It is a big change from Winters past, right?” He continues, not looking up at me.  


He is right!  I had a fantastic fall and winter. Nothing about it bothered me.  January and February flew by and I have been my productive, happy self. 

It embarrasses me that I haven’t thought to give the medication credit for the improvement, just as I had naively overlooked it with the caffeine.


“I thought I felt 100% normal because I am back to normal.” I admit only to myself. “I just need tweaking to get back on my feet.” I ignorantly justify.


He reminds me feeling normal is our goal so every thing is working.


“Every thing is working?” I criticize him in my thoughts.  “Nothing is working because nothing is wrong.”


Feeling deflated that I cannot take credit for my own happiness, I agree to continue the meds.


“Why do others observe me more accurately than I see myself?” I wonder as I drive home.  “Why does my “normal” exist only through fabrication, and why am I the last one to see it?”


Despite not a cloud in sight, genetics remind me, dark days await if I don’t return to the pill box each morning. Happiness feels like mine, but my reality is, it’s a gift.  

Tuesday, April 25, 2023

Family missteps


"Blue Valley" 2023

 Dad and I casually walk along a cliff's edge enjoying Aeriel views outside Capital Reef National Park, Utah.  He calls the place "Blue Valley", his home away from home. I would call it... a Desert.

He see’s beauty, refuge, potential and respite.  I see dirt, dead trees, some mountains and a dried up river. 

 This is the first thing he wants to show me.  “Take a good look at it”. He says.  “It’s your family inheritance.”

I look to him to see where he is directing his gaze and realize, we are indeed, looking at the same thing.

I’m not sure how to respond.  Are we metaphorically speaking? Is he telling me my inheritance is like  this dried up desolate land?  If so, I wouldn’t expect anything different. I didn’t know there was a family inheritance. 

“All of this is ours!” He says with pride as he traces the land between the mountains with his finger.

“Dad and I purchased it back in 1968.”  He remembers.

I smile at him.  We don’t call him “Crazy Kelly” for nothing.  


We haven’t spent meaningful time together since I was 12 years old.  This is our first personal connection since.  

I came out here to get “reacquainted.”  It is just the two of us for the weekend.

I don’t have any expectations for the trip.  My plan is to step into “his world” and see what comes of it.

Meeting him is not awkward.  Dad is approachable as a puppy. 

Our relationship is odd, I guess.  I have described him as an Uncle figure.  We see each other at family functions, greet each other with hugs and smiles, chit-chat and I introduce the new kids I have had since the last time we saw each other, then go our separate ways.  

I hear bits and pieces about his life through the family grape vine between our next run in, and the process starts over again.  

No hard feelings, no expectations, and no real connection.  


A few months ago I sent him a text.






And that is what brings us to this spot.

I follow him along the ridge jumping over crevice’s as we go. 

Some steps require a little leap.  I calculate my footing to ensure a clear jump. In one of my efforts, the leap didn’t happen. I was mid stride across the gap when my planted foot broke through the earth and I went DOWN instead of advancing forward!   

The crevice is wide enough that my body easily falls inside, but narrow enough that I can cling to the edge of the other side- where I was supposed to land.  I am able to stop my immediate fall with my right knee, but it only helps me stick to the wall. I can’t use it as leverage to pull myself up. The only part of my upper body above ground is my head and arms.  I’m hanging by my armpits.  The ground is too soft to get traction.  I’m scratching like a cat at the dirt.  In this moment I am struck with terror. The thought of falling to the bottom is a reality and I know bones will break.  I am bracing for pain, and hoped not death.  

“Dad!” I call out wondering if it’s too late. The dirt under my left armpit is crumbling under my weight. 

He is about 5 steps ahead of me with his back turned.

“Oh Emmy!” He panics, lunging back at me. 

At this point my momentum is going backwards.  

I am eye level to his boots running at me, praying his 76 year old body will be strong enough to lift me, or that he won’t go down with me in the effort.  Everything depends on him.  


The last time I spent time with him was 33 years ago!  I do not know his current health condition. Thoughts like: “Will he be fast enough?  Is strong enough?” and “Am I going to DIE?” shoot through my head at lightening speed.


He reaches me in time and I brace myself for the results.  Will I be going down or will I be going up?

He pulls me out with more power than I expect, and without struggle.  I am so relieved to be on solid ground and already wonder if that really happened. 

I am embarrassed at the situation.  At surface level it looks like I had put more effort into falling into that space than it took to simply step over it.

Dad shakes it off easily.

“How would you have pulled me out if I fell in there?!” I yell in a panic looking down into the death trap.

“I wouldn’t have”. He laughs.  

Pointing back into the pit he says: “I’d say, this is the last place I saw her.” (Hands up in the air proving innocence)

I appreciate his humor.  That was terrifying. 

Of all the days of my life; this is the day I need him most.  And he was here.


I guess it is not my time to go...after all, I have a desolate desert to inherit!


I didn't get a picture of the exact crevice. (can't imagine why) but it's like this spot.




   

Friday, November 20, 2020

What?!!

 This is the face one makes when they find out they are pregnant with baby #6 

after making New Years resolutions like this more than once:
After giving away all things Baby...more than once.

After dedicating a year to getting back in shape to be "Fit by 40"

Sunday, November 1, 2020

Be like "Puppy"


 


Some of you may know that Joshua has a speech delay.  Around 1.5 years old we started to notice something wasn’t right.  He is my 5th child so I knew by that age he should be at least attempting words.  We took him to specialists and enrolled in Speech therapy once he turned 3 years old.  At 3 years old he could say maybe 10 words. ( and only I understood what they were)  

This has it’s Pros and Cons for sure.


Pros: I didn’t have to answer 1000 questions a day from a 3 year old.  

He didn’t beg or whine for things

He’s quiet on my long walks


Cons:

I don’t know what his first day of school was like.

He has never said I Love you mom.

I don’t have cute 3 year old conversations with him.


One thing we did know about him was he loved dogs!  Every time he saw a dog he would light up and bark.  It was so cute to see him see a dog.  Jace dug up a stuffed animal dog we had and gave it to him and it became his best friend.  He has slept with it every night since.  Puppy, He would later name it became his source of comfort.  

He always knows where puppy is.

Puppy is a site to see.  He is missing his nose, lost his shape and most the time smells like a wet rag.


Last month I took pity on Puppy.  He needed a pick me up.  I decided I would buy a new one and surprise Joshua with it.  When the new one arrived there was a problem.  A big problem.  Even though they were the exact same puppy they were NOT the same.  This wasn’t going to go as easily as planned.  I decided I would need to be extra tricky to pull this off.


I told Joshua we needed to wash puppy.  He seemed to be ok with the idea.  He understands the concept of clean.  SO I gathered a load of laundry and I told him to go get puppy.  Happily he did and I told him to put puppy in the washer.  


My plan was to have him involved in the magic.  If HE put puppy in the washer I would swap the old puppy with the new puppy and have him pull it out with the clean load and I’d discretely discard of the old puppy.  


He’d see the magic the washing machine did on puppy and the new and improved puppy would take over.

  The problem was he refused to put his beloved puppy in the washer!  He looked at me with disgust when I told him to put puppy inside.  There was no way he would do that to puppy.  He knew that the washer filled up with water and tumbled and turned. 

Instead, he ran away from me and threw puppy over the banister to the downstairs to get him far away from me.


His loyalty and love to puppy was admirable.  I truly felt sorry for attempting to replace his little buddy.

He doesn’t want a perfect fluffy, clean, puppy.  He wants his deeply loved rag dog.  It is worn out in all the perfect ways for Joshua


Heavenly Father is asking for us to be “Puppy”.   A puppy who will be there for someone when they need comfort.  Someone who isn’t afraid to get dirty and change shape while serving others.

When we return to Heavenly Father which puppy do you think He will be most pleased with?

The perfect one that looks exactly the same as the day he was purchased or the one that lost himself in love and service?


He is looking for helpers who will CHANGE for him.  


I have had to learn to watch Joshuas actions to learn what he needs/wants.  He has never said I LOVE you mom, but I know I am his favorite because he lights up when I’ve been away from him for 2 seconds 

I know he loves going to school because he jumps up and down when the school bus pulls up.

Its been almost 4 years that Ive had to learn to communicate with him by watching his actions.  


Growing up my favorite quote was “People may doubt what you say but they will always believe what you do.”


We can say we are Latter Day-Saints but stay hidden away safely in our homes and keep to ourselves or we can be “puppy” and give every part of us that we can to bring others to Christ.


“Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your father in Heaven.”  Matt 5:16