I was in a dark, sad, lonely place and I needed help to get out of it.
I couldn't just decide to be happy and wipe away my tears and move on. Depression isn't a choice. It took months of counseling and gradual doses of medication to pull out of it. I remember my psychologist telling me once I found the perfect dose I would feel better than I probably ever have. (Assuming I have been bipolar all my life) He was wrong.
With this particular medication I had to start off on a low dose and gradually increase. Jumping right into a high dose can cause a skin infection similiar to leprosy.
So, week by week I cried my way through the days and suffered horrific dreams at night.
Eventually the sun came out again. I was able to be a mom again.
Since then I haven't had any "downers" nor have I had any "Highs." The medication did a good job of keeping me steady. The only problem is steady wasn't me. I wasn't myself.
I've only had 1 depression and 1 high. I question my "high cycle." In early 2012 I was preparing for a trip to work in leprosy colonies with my family with a nonprofit organization in India. I was very passionate about what I was doing and put a lot of time and energy into my work in the few weeks leading up to our trip. The best time for me to work was after I put my 4 young kids to bed. I've always been a night owl. All my great ideas came at night. Because of my unusual energy
I felt like the pills were making me dumb. I would forget things. I'd forget how to get to places I'd been to before! I felt like I couldn't think clearly. I would draw blanks in conversations. Suddenly I was loosing things.
was planning a trip to India with my familyI would stay up till 2 or 3 am I've always been a night owl.
Because my depression cycle came within a month of my "high cycle" I was diagnosed bipolar.
Last year (year 2 on meds) I tried changing things up a bit with my psychologist. I told him I felt like I was taking stupid pills. His solution was to take a different pill to fix that. No thanks.
Then I talked about changing the dose. I wanted to feel like ME again. So, he increased the dose and I got shaky hands. I cut back to my regular dose again (200mg)
In the beginning my Psychologist told me I would need medication the rest of my life. He said I'd probably get to a point where I felt "Normal" again and I'd think I wouldn't need to be on medication anymore but that's not how mental illness works.
I HATED hearing that. I hated taking a pill every day. I felt broken every time I swallowed one, I felt trapped.
I felt the medication wasn't allowing me to be me. Deep down I knew the only way I was going to get off my medication was if I got pregnant. My youngest just started kindergarten. That wasn't happening.
That ship had sailed, or so I thought.
Last August I found myself at the doctors office...PREGNANT with a 4 year old IUD.
As soon as I found out I began cutting down on my dose. In my next appointment with my psychologist I told him I wanted to stop the medication completely. He advised me how to cut back and sent me away with a warning of post pardon depression, a pile of papers full of reports on how safe my medication is during pregnancy and a promise to call him if I had any problems.
Three weeks later I swallowed my last pill!!
Three weeks later I miscarried twin boys.
Those closest to me wait and watch for my reaction. Will she fall back into a depression unmediated?
