Fears

My new baby was past due for a feeding.  I considered myself lucky that she was still sleeping and busied myself about the house trying to pick up as much as I could before she would monopolize my arms again.

All the while inside I was uneasy.

I went to the bottom of the stairs and listened for a cry.

Nothing.

I continued to clean but still felt uneasy.

I decided I would go wake her.

When I got to the top of the stairs tears filled my eyes when I heard her faint cry.

She had been crying for me.

I rushed into the room to find she had worked her way under the comforter I pulled back to avoid this very scenario. 

She was just far enough under no matter how she turned her head she coudn’t escape it.

I was so angry at myself.  I was so angry I wasn’t there when she needed me.

I didn’t hear her cry from the stairs  because her cry was muffled.

I picked her up and cried with her, wondering how long she had been in distress.

I never want to feel that feeling again.

Today my baby is almost two years old. 
Today, I just realized the result of this event is showing up in her life.

I spent two hours on the phone Friday with my Homeopathy Doctor discussing Jennica’s health. 

To better understand what remedies would work for Jen she asked me tons of questions about her life.  

Things like:

What kind of baby was she?  How were her sleeping habits, was she grumpy as a child?  Does she make friends easily?

What does she dream about? What does she like to do in her spare time?  Does she like to be held or does she prefer her space?

Curious, I asked her why these answers matter.  She explained understanding a childhood could uncover situations that may have caused stress that show up in your body or behavior later.

We picked through Jennica’s life searching for something that would give insight to her weight gain.

It wasn’t until this afternoon I made a connection to Abi.

To this day she hates having her shirts pulled over her head.  She whimpers when it’s time to put her head through the shirt.  I never understood why.

Today it all made sense.  It was the blanket she was stuck under as a 2 month old.

Knowing this doesn’t make her fear go away but it does give me more understanding.

It’s my responsibility as her parent to work with her to overcome this fear.  I am so sad I had part in creating this fear but thankful the Lord showed it to me today.

She was easy.  I didn’t have to go too far back to find this issue.  The hard part is figuring out YEARS of mistakes made on the other kids.

I’m reminded at how delicate little children are.  One bad day from me could show up on them down the road.  

Being a parent is tough work!

I wish I had this insight 4 kids ago!  I’d count to 10 more often and give more hugs!