Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Stranger at Home




Sixteen years ago I left my hometown.  
I was an 18 year old girl ready for change! 

Last week I returned to find change moved in when I moved out.

 A visit to the Christiansen’s brought us to Hurricane, (the place where the majority of my life experiences and memories were created) but this wasn’t the town I remembered.

Spotted here and there I recognized buildings and houses that triggered memories but for the more part I was a stranger in my hometown.  
This visit, I viewed Hurricane through a different lens.  I understand today how little I knew then, but still yearned for that youthfulness.  

Nothing was the same.  Houses seemed smaller than I remembered them, the schools I attended were not the schools I saw and the streets my friends and I ruled were replaced by strangers.
Those friends, that life, and this town aren’t mine anymore.

I felt sad as we drove away.   
I felt as if  my memories and relationships didn’t really exist.  

I wondered if car racing through the streets, high school sports,  or missed curfews ever happened- 
then I looked at Sam and remembered they did.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

all boxed up


photo.JPG


I spent the weekend in St. George visiting Mom and Grandma Great.
While I was there mom pulled out a large box with my name on it   Opening it I found letters and things from long long ago.  I wasn’t sure I wanted to dig deeper.

 My kids (and Sam) jumped to the box eager to see my boxed up past. 
We found cassett tapes (and of course I had to explain what they were!), misclanious pictures and trinkets I had kept.  

But the golden nugget was my diary from elementary and letters I collected after high school!  
They had a great time reading about my 4th grade crush and letters from other "boys".
It seems like a lifetime ago.

Now they tease me. :)

Monday, February 25, 2013

My moment of fame?

This weekend Sam and I attended a benefit dinner for Rising Star Outreach 



I am so excited I got to attend this one for 2 reasons.

First, I always miss their events because head quarters are in Provo, Utah.
This time I moved to Utah one week before the event!

The second reason I was excited to go was because they showed my video I made from my first trip to work with the leprosy afflicted in India.


But it doesn't end there!  The singer/songwriter of the song I used, Bianca Merkley, was there and performed live during my video!!  How cool is that?

She sounded great too!



        Bianca Merkley!
I was excited to wear my Indian clothes, until I saw this picture!  Is it cliche to say these clothes make me look fat!!?  I'm so bummed about the turn out.  My hair!?!  What?  I've seen better days.  I looked so much better in my mind.  :)

Sally Read, President of Rising Star Outreach.  

I got started with this organization because of Sally!  I was her visiting teacher in New Canaan (before she became the Pres.)  You can read about that here.

I am so happy I live closer to this organization.  Working with them is so uplifting!
So, who wants to go to India with me??

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Feeling LOVED



Today I was given a farewell gift.
It was a book filled with notes written from the ladies at Church.  I wanted to read them without being interrupted so I waited till after the kids were in bed.

In a quiet moment I re-opened the book.
Page after page my "love tank" was filled.  By the end I was in tears.  
Women I have known for a short period of time and those whom I have known for many many years, took time to write me a small note.  I will treasure those notes forever.

The word has been out that we are leaving for the past 5 months.  Our initial plan was to be gone in December.  Those months leading up to December several people approached me and/or Sam and said such nice things about us and how we will be missed.  Having this repeated several times I turned to Sam and joked "we should fake a move in the future just to hear people tell us how wonderful we are."
It feels good to hear those things.  

As I sat in the afterglow of  kind words I wished all of them could know how meaningful it was for me to read them.  In my reality, I am hanging by a thread most days and looking to THEM for inspiration. 

My Church and several in the New Canaan Community have been "family" out here.  This is where my kids grew up and this is where I grew a lot. 

I am so touched when I get a kind note.

I keep them all.

Next week I step into a whole new world.  I'm scared.  I'm sad, but I do feel loved.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

"Sunday Bubble"







We all made it!  I sighed as I plopped into my seat.
Surly something was overlooked. 
Each child was properly dressed, I examined, except one wearing “play shoes” in lieu of the one  “missing” church shoe!

Church starts at 9am.  That's a good 2 hours later than our weekday wake up call for school.  On those days one child at a time is sent out the door armed with completed homework, packed lunches and full tummies.

On this day, it doesn’t matter what time church starts...I am always rushed.  This morning Sam woke me saying “It’s 8 o’clock.”  in a flat line tone.  Perhaps dreading the same course of events lay ahead as I did.

We have 4 sleeping kids and 1 hour to be seated at church. (with a 15min drive to the church building)
I don’t jump out of bed.  Instead, I slowly make my way to the bathroom dreading the race I’m about to embark in.

This happened last week.
 The exact scenario.  
I bribed all the kids with “Double Dessert” if they were ready for church before me.

It worked.

Today I took another stab at it.

65 minuets later I slipped into the back of the chapel, counting my ducks while Sam parked the car.  

I’m missing one!

He shows up (with Sam) shooting me his angry eyes.
“Why do you always leave me?”  He asks still hurt from the time he had to call home after I left him at church for an hour in December. * 

I replay our entrance into the building and remember seeing him run down the hall for the drinking fountain.

He’s right.  I did walk away without him. (...again)

Once we are all seated I take a few minutes to regroup and realize where I am.  
For the next hour I get to s-i-t.  
I get to sit and do
n-o-t-h-i-n-g but enjoy the spirit filled meeting.

That is until Abi climbs on my lap and announces she’s hungry.  I scramble for my church bag being careful that her little feet don’t snag my nylons, like they do every week (which are NOT childproof or cheap!!)
   
I try to return to the meeting when a little one says he needs to blow his nose, then a different child asks for a drawing book.  Next I’m explaining how a quiet game is played, removing Abi’s feet from the chair in front of us which is causing a toddler to scream, and I’m bending over like an ostrich searching for lost items under the chairs.  

Another child whispers to me with puppy dog eyes, he’s hungry.  That’s when I realize none of us ate breakfast.
I sneak half a bagel from Abi’s stash and hand it over.
I notice I’m not the only one handing out zip-locks filled with cheerios and other grab-and-go snacks. This eases my guilt.. a little.

The toddler in front of us see’s the exchange and eyes my bag. She helps herself to the abandoned cheerio bag which sends Abi after it shaking her head screaming“No!”

I turn to the right side of our row.  There sits Sam.

He is comfortably sitting, scriptures open, and eyes on the speaker.  I call this the “Sunday Bubble”  

I try to pass Abi to him but she prefers my lap.

My experience at church is so different from Sam’s and we sit less than 6 inches apart.  This isn't because Sam is unwilling to help, rather the kids just choose me.(except when it comes to gum.  Dad always has gum.)
 The Sunday Bubble favors him.

Have you ever watched what really goes on with other families during that hour meeting?

Mothers carry in huge bags full of treats, coloring books, and toys with one hand and an infant attached to a car seat in another- while balancing a diaper bag over her shoulder marching a litter of kids into a pew.  It's like entering a war zone.

These kids carry the power to pop the “Sunday Bubble” and apparently Mom’s “Sunday Bubble” is easier to pop than dad’s.

I like to watch what happens to a family when a mother goes out into the hall with a child.
Some fathers sit completely oblivious to the family war going on next to him or he watches with no clue how to manage it in the middle of a crowd.
The best is when the smaller one see their mother exit and they bolt after her as if she is abandoning them-even if it means crawling over their dad to follow her.

I remember a phase when I spent more time in the halls with a baby than I did in a class.  All the fuss to get there didn't seem worth it at times.  It would have been much more pleasant for me to stay at home so the kids wouldn't miss a nap.
  One Sunday a "grandma" approached me with a smile and said, "doing the hallway babysitting again?"  I half hearted joked, "I don't know why I even come."
She came back with, "The reason you keep coming back is because your creating a tradition for your family.  It starts now, while they are small."
I loved that nugget of wisdom and have returned to it for strength many times.

 I’ve managed to survive sacrament for 12 consecutive  years without a “Sunday Bubble” 
I’ve come to church armed with some pretty cool powers though.
When my kids were young I pulled out my octopus arms and worked magic to protect Sam’s “Sunday Bubble” from popping.

Now that they are older I have new trick that protects the "Sunday Bubble" of those around us .
 I have the “Mom Stare!” 
I can hold up 1 finger and they get the message to change their behavior.
If I hold up 2 they know they’re walking a fine line for trouble.
If I hold up 3 they know they’ve “struck out” and they will go without dessert.  

I don’t wear a  “Sunday Bubble” yet, but I can make a mad dash to church wearing bags over my shoulders, kids on my lap with torn nylons...therefore, I am a “Bubble Maker" building a strong foundation for my family!! 

*(In my defense to Jace's abandoment- Sam and I drove different cars to church that Sunday.  I thought he left with Sam and Sam thought he left with me and Jace thought we were at Choir Practice.  He played with his friends till everyone went home and then he realized we weren't there. )

Sunday, January 20, 2013

A Daniel Tiger Lesson


I grew up watching Mister Rogers Neighborhood.  It wasn't my favorite but at times it was the only thing on TV.  

The shoes, sweaters, fish, mail man, trolley and make believe land were his teaching tools.

Sadly, Mister Rogers died in 2003.  
To keep his TV influence alive they created an animated version with similar concepts he taught.

On a recent trip to Utah I came across the new Mr. Roger’s show they call 
”Daniel Tiger Neighborhood“ 
 In desperation to keep Abi entertained in the hotel I passed on the Sponge Bob channel and gave Daniel Tiger a shot. I found the jingle additively cute and appreciated the new approach.


One of the concepts they teach through a song is something like;

                  "If something seems bad,turn it around 
                             and find something good."




The show didn’t fly with my older kids.  They thought everything about it was annoying. Around the house they sing the jingle in a mocking manner but laugh at it’s practical  application to situations.

Today in church Daniel Tiger taught me a lesson!

 A Missionaries was asked to give a talk.  

When he walked to the podium one of my kids said under his breath: ”I don’t like him.“
”Why?“I questioned
”He’s too “happy” he said with a bounce in his seat. (having obviously been exposed to this missionary’s personality)
“And he sounds like Ernie.” he added with a smirk.

At that moment Daniel Tiger came to mind.  I turned to him and sang the little jingle.
”If something seems bad, turn it around and find something good“

We laughed as I offered my made up version of why he is so happy.

“Maybe he grew up in a family where his parents were always happy.  So he has had a happy life and now he is happy to be on a mission.” 

We considered this as the way to turn around his “happy” annoyance into something good.

Half way through his talk he revealed the answer:
 “I grew up in a wonderful family.  I am the oldest of 4.  I have two sisters and a brother.  My parents have been great examples in my life. 
My mom is 100% blind and she has always been a happy person.  She has taught me that I have a choice in how I wan’t to view life.  I can be happy or I can choose not to be. 
                                         Because of her example,
                     I choose to be happy.”

The two of us looked at each other in disbelief!  

Daniel Tiger knows what he is talking about!

                         “If something seems bad, turn it around 
                              and find something good!”


If a blind mother of 4 can "turn around" her disadvantage to something good, and as a result raise "happy" children- she can see more clearly than me!

Lesson learned.



Saturday, January 19, 2013

Shoes to fill



I watched my two small kids chase each other through the house.
Around and around they went, laughing with each step.  Being the "wise- and- all- knowing- mother" I could see the disaster begin to unfold.
After so many laps through the kitchen one of them was sure to knock their head on the counter corner or slam into a doorway.   
The odds were going against them as the minuets ticked by.

Why did I think something like that might eventually happen?  
Been there.  Done that.
Is that the Mantra of Motherhood? 
Am I just a child responding as a Mother?

Realizing Sam and I have 100% full ownership of our kids made my knees a little weak.  
What do I know about being a full time parent?
I feel like I'm a clever teenager -only in a 34 year old body. 
I sneak into the kitchen late at night to eat ice cream just like I did at 16.  
I still drive through "yellow- reddish" lights,  I hate cooking and I still stay up way too late with a boy!
I hit snooze every time my alarm beeps at me and I  spray my clothes with Downy wrinkle free spray instead of ironing!

Babysitting gave me no advantage.  I burned popcorn, killed a hamster, ate cold cereal and let the kids stay up past bedtime while on the clock!
I felt a great sense of relief when the parents came home.  The weight of being "responsible" lifted as I slipped back into "my world" with a pocket full of cash.
  
My 2 year old sluggishly falls into my legs after the injure free chase with her brother and says, "Mom...Abi needs water."
It's obvious these kids have total trust in our capabilities of being their parents.
It's all a fluke though.  I'm just rolling with the punches.

I fill her cup with water.  She sips and is off again.  
That was an easy one.  
What happens when she returns years later with a bigger dilemma?
Do I stop the injury before it happens or
do I continue to fill her cup and send her off again?


Sunday, January 6, 2013

"Hotter than You!" A P90X Story






**Warning- all content on this blog belong to their rightful owner. (Me) Any copyright infringement or tampering will be punished by penalty of the Law. (Death)  I reserve the right to brag as I please.  If you feel this post must be shared with your husband for a little encouragement please contact www.P90X for further assistance.


According to StatisticBrain.com the #1 New Year Resolution of 2012 was to loose weight. (I'm pretty sure that's been in 1st place since McDonalds was created)

Only 45% of Americans actually keep Resolutions.
I fall into the looser category and I don’t mean loosing weight.  I’m part of the 45% that don’t stick to it.

I always make New Year Resolutions but somewhere around April I forget what it was.
Last year I decided it would be doing 30 day challenges.  I figured I would have a better chance at accomplishing something for 30 days rather than 365.
 Again, that was lost at Feb!
Consistency is NOT in my genes.

The good news is consistency is Sam’s middle name!  
He keeps things going around here.
I'm more of the "New Rule!" mother if you know what i mean.

At the end of 2011 Sam and I had a little competition going on.  We called it: "Hotter than You“
(I named it that because I was sure I would win)
The goal was to transform our bodies by Valentines Day. (cheesy, I know)
Whoever made the most progress owed the other a vacation of their choice.

I was stoked about this....and then I never started.  About a month into it Sam came home with new running shoes.
He placed them in front of me like a gift. 
”Cool shoes“ I admired
”What do you think?“ he says with a smile.
I come back again with, ”cool shoes.“
”Look closely“
I stare at them wondering why he is bringing so much attention to a pair of shoes.
”What do you see?“
By now I am bored of this game and give in.
He tells me to look at the tongue of the shoes.
I saw the words: "Hotter Than You" printed across them.
My man was on a roll!  This did ignite a new found desire to start over so I went a bought a new pair of shoes too, but they didn't run as fast nor as often as his.

This is a picture of him before the "Hotter Than You" shoes were purchased:

 January (2012)

This is him with over 900 miles on those shoes!
Heartford Ct. Marathon

After a few months running he came home with a small box that looked like this:


I was toast!
Before and After pictures are a must with this program!

This was his before (which doesn’t show the 10lbs he just lost from running a month prior)




Day 1


90 Days



Day 1

90 Days


Day 1

90 Days


 He is a Rock Star!  
Is this what 45% of American’s are missing out on by not keeping their New Year Resolution of Loosing weight?!

Instead of P90X I did Insanity.
Insanity

If you want to get your butt kicked everyday-this workout is for you!
  Note: Insanity is not a program to build muscle like P90X does, but you do look fit.  It is a great conditioning program.
I picked up running after I completed it and found myself running 6 miles in an hour!

I’m  a long way behind Sam but the view is good from where I am! :)
 He is still hard core exercising everyday 

It makes us laugh when we see his before pictures!  It didn’t occur to us that he carried so much weight in his face!
color him green and call him the Hulk!

These kids thought he was strong 


It's clear that Sam won the contest.  I'm begging him to go on vacation where he can strut his stuff!

Interested in more statistics? Try this
amusing article about people showing up to the gym in January.



Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Hobi's in India Video

I don't know where my brain has been!  While updating the Rising Star blogs I realized I never posted my family video from India on my own blog!!
Here it is...10 months later!

The year of Karma


I think I'll call 2012 my year of Karma.

Karma is a fundamental doctrine in Buddhism, coming from India.  
I like the concept of it.  
There are various theories on how it all works which include; past sins or advantages from a past life, that follow you into this life identified as Bad Karma or Good Karma.  
My version is all Karma is good Karma.  It's a reflection of our actions, whether we like it or not.    
Thanissaro Bhikkhu (an American Buddhist monk) said:
Karma is caused by Ignorance, or not knowing things as they really are.

Or put differently Karma is a catalyst to knowledge, if you see it as such.  

You don't know what you don't know, right?  
If Karma is a result of being ignorant; It's a smack in the head telling you to smarten up! 
To me, that's Good Karma.

Well, my Karma came, ironically enough, while I was in India last Spring.
The day I returned to the US the wheels were in motion to turn me upside down and teach me a few things.

The following months, even up to this day, God is showing me what I don't know.

However you want to look at it, Karma is just another expression used to teach what the Apostle Paul did:
 Whom the Lord loves he chastens
Hebrews 12:6

That's what I call God Karma! 



Monday, October 8, 2012

My love affair is ending...




I’m in love.  I’m being seduced every second of every day.  
This love affair is messing with my emotions...

My seducer... Fall in Connecticut.  I never tire of the colors, the chilly air, or the constant blanket of leaves on the ground.  Each year the same trees display a different show.  I drive more slowly, take more walks, and carry a camera in my purse during the month of October.  I’ve observed the “BEST” display of colors is around the 15th of Oct.  Most the leaves are at their peak color and haven’t fallen yet.
This time of year I believe I live in the prettiest place on Earth.

Winter has it’s perks too but they are short lived.  The first fall of snow is beautiful in a majestic way but near March it has overextended it’s stay.  By March I am depressed, gravitating to the sun filled window searching for light and warmth like a cat.

In my opinion, Spring doesn’t exist,  April offers a few teasing warm days but the jackets aren’t put away till May.  The dull branches that use to be a source of my adoration are frail and the flowering buds are shy to be revealed.

Summer arrives just in time for school to be out in June.  The trees are dressed again in deep green.  It’s like living in the Garden of Eden. Our days are spent at the pool while we anxiously await the return of our friends from their Global vacations.  
We mostly do “Stay-cations”, which Jace has renamed “Boring Activities.” 

Summer after summer I wish we were in Utah to go camping with the cousins, have sleepovers with Grandma, and enjoy summer fun.
In November I wish we could have Thanksgiving dinner with people we were related to.
In December I wish we could attend a family Christmas Party and enjoy family traditions
but these events have never happened!  Not once!
In January were snowed in and love sledding in our backyard but wouldn’t it be fun to share it with cousins?
With Sam’s work schedule and the fact that you can’t spend the night anywhere without dropping $$$ we stay at home.
Winter break is spent at home.
Spring Break is spent at home.
And Labor Day weekend (along with most 3 day weekends) we stay at home.

We have enjoyed road trips to most Church History sites on the East Coast.
We’ve lived here for 10 years and have exhausted all low budget and local activities.

I’ve missed weddings, funerals, babies, baptisms, cruises, birthdays, Mother’s Day, and reunions!

 A single trip to Utah for the 6 of us is out of our budget.
Instead I settle for “Get Away” trips where I sneak away without the kids and spend time with my family.  

My kids don’t know their cousins.  
They don’t know their 6 Uncles, 5 Aunts and 20+ cousins. 
They don’t know what Grandma’s house looks like and they don’t know their grandpa. 
They get gifts and cards from Sam’s family but don’t get the chance to put the face to the name most the time.

It’s been said that a child who is loved and supported by other adults, along with their parents, is more likely to have greater self worth. 

I would love for my kids to spend time with extended family.  

When I’m in Utah for my get away trips I feel like I can breath again.  I don’t realize how wound up I am here until I go there and it feels like time slows down and I can breath again.  I find myself jealous of the cost of living, the big sky, the close proximity to Temples and family lifestyle that exists there.Returning home is always hard.  

I am in L-O-V-E with the beauty of Connecticut.  But I would give it up to be closer to a family centered life.
The colors on the leaves are tugging at my heart strings but I’m going to let them go.

We are moving to Utah...soon

"Psst"...the kids don't know.  Please don't spill the beans till further notice. :)


Sunday, June 24, 2012

Insanity


 
in·san·i·ty [in-san-i-tee]
   the condition of being insane;  a derangement of the mind. 


Given my current state of mind, and recent contact with a Physiologist, I think it only fitting that I take on a new workout challenge called INSANITY!
I'm hearing exercise is a great step in improving depression. 
I gave it a try...didn't last long. (humm...imagine that!)  

I pulled a no show for a Triathlon I signed up for (and got 15 other people to sign up for too..sorry!) and apparently left some friends hanging this morning for a bike ride!!  ( Just read the email about meeting outside my house at 7am. oops!) 

I'm pathetic! 

Sam is such a stud right now.  He's almost done with P90X.  He lost a lot of weight and gained a lot of MUSCLES!! (woot woot!)  I watch him manage every calorie that enters his mouth, as I relish in my ice cream addiction.

My drug of choice is ice cream.  I putter around like Eeyore all day and then snuggle up to a pint (never less) of Ben and Jerry's.  I seriously feel so much better after my pint is gone.  It even cured my "I've-been-crying-all-day-head-ache" that tortured me for about 5 hours.
Some people go to alcohol, or drugs, to escape their depression.  i totally get it.  


This one is my favorite.  I eat it right out of the carton!


I'm stuck in the cycle of feeling down so I eat ice cream to feel better for the night then wake up and start counting the hours till I can escape in my ice cream again.  (I'll never break it out mid-day.  I would have to share it! :)  

See, isn't this addictive behavior?  Maybe I should start attending Addictive Recovery Classes!

Thankfully, ice cream isn't as harmful as alcohol or drugs, but I escape to it probably just the same and it is leaving it's mark on my body.

It's been 3 months since my depression set in, and today I took a good look in the mirror.  I literally did...
I went to Kohl's and tried on a few items.  I had no idea my body looks the way it does!  There's something about those changing room lights!
I can tell you right where the ice cream is sitting!! 

I've got to get my life back! 

I did exercise yesterday and today (does learning Hannah Montana's Hoedown Throwdown Dance count??) and I'll admit they were my more productive days. (Productive to a LOW standard...I never got out of my pj's)

Insanity is a 60 day workout which includes a nutrition plan.  That's just what I need.  I'm pretty sure B&J won't be showing up on the menu!  And it takes the work out of Meal ideas!  
I HATE COOKING MEALS!!!
The "normal ME" likes a good workout and can handle a challenge so this might kick my butt, but I'm really hoping that it kicks my butt in gear!

Maybe this will be enough to self-medicate the depression.??
I know it's crazy to do something as extreme as Insanity.  I hear it's HARD.  I'm actually excited to DO something for once!